Broken Engagements, Shattered Hearts , Estee Goldschmidt

(some names and situations have been changed)

Engagement is the transition period between dating and marriage. Despite the fact that engagements are times often associated with joy, the stress of wedding preparations and new commitments can weigh you down. Sometimes this causes couples to reevaluate their compatibility. As a result, the idea of marriage seems premature or wrong. Fiancées break their engagement.

Dealing with a broken engagement is a challenge that has different stages. There is the realization that the couple is going through difficulties and then the thought that this is a commitment that cannot be fulfilled. One needs courage to break it off, to deal with the aftershock, the social stigma. Ultimately, there is the healing process, digesting the past and learning to trust - others and oneself - again.

Men and women who had experienced the trials and tribulations of a broken engagement were approached with a request to relate their story in hope of helping others who live through similar situations, by providing them with support and guidance. Although it is difficult to relive painful experiences, there were a few courageous individuals who agreed to share.

Gita Saler is a twenty-one-year old teacher in Israel. Almost two years have passed since she ended her engagement. Three weeks after the vort [engagement], Gita was informed of a medical condition her fiancé suffered from and had never mentioned to her. "I felt deceived when I found something out which was not told to me earlier," Gita says. "I was still in shock that I had to end the engagement and that I would be back to square one in shidduchim." She broke the engagement immediately.

Miriam Mantelis is a junior at Brooklyn College. She got engaged to the first guy she ever went out with. Although nothing specific happened that she could point to, the engagement seemed wrong. "From the moment we got engaged, everything seemed out of place. I wasn't happy. I wasn't looking forward to seeing my hatan. Thoughts of the wedding were depressing me," Miriam says. "There was nothing concrete I just was not into it. It took me a month to break the engagement."

Chana Beirish is a senior at Stern College for Women. She broke her engagement a month ago. "A week after proposing, my fiancé got frustrated and expressed his anger in a way that made me nervous, he was completely out of control." Chana says, "He started cursing people I cared about, he was screaming." Chana remembers feeling that her fiancé just did not "get it." "Every time I spoke with my hatan, I didn't hear him taking responsibility for his action. He only regretted the outburst because of the way I reacted. As time passed, I saw more things that had bothered me that I never paid attention to before," she says. "At one point I asked myself why I am working so hard to save this relationship when we weren't even married. After four weeks of trying unsuccessfully to save the relationship, I ended things."

Chaim Yitzchaki is an accountant in New York and is a Yeshiva University graduate. He broke his engagement a year ago. "At first, I was confused, I wasn't sure if I should break the engagement or not." Chaim says, "When my kallah cheated on me by spending extensive amounts of time with another young man, that was the straw that broke the camels back. In retrospect, I am glad I ended it when I did."

Ellen May is a graduate school student. Her ex broke the engagement off a year and a half ago - they had been engaged for four months. "I sent out the invitations the day he broke the news," Ellen sighs. "After the elation and excited feeling of sending out four hundred invitations, it was a huge shock to get that phone call on the night of erev Pesach. I didn't see it coming at all." Ellen remembers the shock and denial that she went through: "At first, I adamantly refused to believe what he was saying. That night, I wrote him a few emails and sent out a letter, thinking that all he needed was some time without me or a letter from me to realize how much he misses and loves me." Ellen says: "For the next few days and throughout yom tov, I was in a state of disbelief and could not sleep through the night. I barely ate and could not bring myself to daven."

Brachi Blooming is a college student. Her story is particularly interesting. Two years after her broken engagement, she married the same person. "He even gave me one of those 'it's not you it's me' speeches. He said he wasn't ready and wanted to stay in yeshiva and learn." Brachi remembers, "I was totally heartbroken and depressed for six months. I was never going to find someone like him again. I felt like I was no longer single and searching. Now I was someone broken and searching. I thought no one would want me anymore, because I was now used goods."

One of the fears when breaking an engagement is the social stigma that exists within the Orthodox community. Gita Saler says: "I don't know why there is such a strong stigma, but I was literally ashamed to show my face in public. I thought no one would ever treat me normally again." Beirish confirms: "I felt like I would walk into a room and from the way people looked at me, the words 'broken engagement' were written on my forehead."

"People still wished me Mazal Tov. They did not know I was no longer engaged." Blooming says, "I did not know how to react or what to say."

Sarah Bleich is a nurse. She considered breaking her engagement after her fiancé acted inappropriately in front of her parents. "He screamed at my father. My family was in shock," she says. "He promised to do anything to make it up to me: therapy, apologies, gifts I reassured my parents that I could make the marriage work. I was terrified of being one of those girls with a broken engagement. We went through with the wedding." Sarah laughs cynically, "Somewhere I knew I was making a mistake. Today it's been two years since we got divorced, and he still won't give me a get. I wish I had had the courage to break the engagement when there was less at stake."

There are different things that people did to heal from the trauma of a broken engagement. "I spoke to other people with broken engagements to see how they coped with their situation," says Chana Beirish. Brachi Blooming says that she was only able to move forward when she freed herself of her ex emotionally: "I dreamed of a reunion every night. Only when I started to like someone else, and I was ready to let go of my ex, that was when Hashem brought him back into my life."

Yitzchaki says that his friends were most helpful in his recovery: "My friends who let me rant and get all of my anger out were amazing," he says, "I was able to learn so much from my experience, I clearly saw what I would and would not look for in future relationships. As a result, I would never let something like that happen again." Ellen confirms: "The single best instrument to help me move forward was the support of my very close friends. Throughout Pesach and while I was home, they were constantly there for me, doing whatever they could to help me get better." she says. "If it weren't for my friends and the people who had withstood similar situations, I would have never been able to get through it. They reassured me that my time would come again soon."

Olivia Wiznitzer wrote a letter to her friend after her friend broke her engagement where she mentions the tremendous discomfort and reaffirmed support: "So, my dear one, who is currently in the midst of a very public unhappiness, may you be blessed forevermore; may you meet someone truly deserving of your radiance; may you shine and glow brighter than you ever have and may your heart re-knit itself even though now it must feel shattered all to pieces. The fact that you were the author of its destruction notwithstanding, the pain you must feel is indescribable, so harsh that it must hurt to breathe. Remember only that you are loved by very many, who wish for your health and happiness, that you are a goddess and an inspiration to many, and that this one sadness should not undermine your own sense of reliance or faith in yourself. You are a whole person and your decisions are sound; you could not judge based on what you did not know."

In retrospect, Chana sees her broken engagement as an opportunity for growth: "I was shaken up at first and thought that I could never trust my judgment again, because I chose someone who was not right for me. Over time, however, I got to know myself better and sharpened the definitions of what I am looking for in a spouse."

Gita says: "If there is one thing I learned is that I will take my time. I won't let anyone pressure me into making a decision I am not prepared for." Mantelis thinks that time is the best healer: "Time really does heal."

J. Worth Kilcrease is a bereavement counselor in Texas. Kilcrease believes in using time after trauma to digest, process and learn from the painful experience. She says: "Time does not heal. It's what you do with the time that heals."

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